Muscle Memory
By lam
Even now
I find myself, every once in a while
Reaching for the phone to tell you a joke you'd find funny
Making checklists of
restaurants we should visit,
shows I recommend,
and songs you'd probably like
Using phrases you coined
And expecting that after your long silence, as with so many long silences before,
you will reappear from your self-exile in a burst of kinetic friendship
Especially now
As we approach the two year anniversary of this longest silence
And I tiptoe gingerly around the edges of my mind's deserted corner
Peeling layers of denial to reveal the festering, terrible truth
Until, at last, I lift the shroud from that haunted memory
I still find myself wondering: will I receive a text back?
Laughing at the joke, confirming dinner plans, telling me which book I must read?
Perhaps it is because ignorance is a balm
That quiets the disquieting dread that
Maybe, no probably, there were warning signs
But that, distracted by the urgencies of everyday living,
We willed ourselves to believe that, yes, there will always be one more piece of straw before the camel's back breaks
Or perhaps it is because you have left an imprint on us, dearest friend
Permanent and unforgotten
As if, loomed with threads of kinship and healing,
Time has stitched you into the fabric of our beings
Enmeshed and everlasting
Like muscle memory
